david r hawkins

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Letting Go of Blame

“Yours is the saddest story I’ve ever heard.”

~ Dr David R Hawkins recommends we post this on our bathroom mirror to ignite the courage and compassion we need to heal ourselves. Also the statement’s humour helps to dissolve the ego.

My daughter, a lovely teenager, came to me this past year with what she expressed was very sad news. “A girl killed herself because she was bullied and it’s all over Facebook.” she told me. “All the kids are really upset.”

I remember how I initially felt in that moment. I felt angry and irritated with the girl. I remember thinking something like, “She may have been bullied, but taking her own life makes her the biggest of bullies.” “Now that she’s dead, she can bully everyone from the grave.” What she did reminded me how victims can be very dangerous people. I saw her choice as another setback that our world didn’t need right now. We’re so obsessed with victimhood. I felt awful. I had to let it go.

I’m well aware that my regard for victims is not politically correct. Incidentally, those vested in political correctness are typically stuck in pride and unwilling to let go. Solutions are not found in anger or righteous pride. They are not found in falsely “canonizing” “victims” either. Both positions chose to blame something for the problem. “It’s the bullies fault!” “It’s our messed up education system.” “It’s too much technology, bad parenting, no parenting!” “Mean girls are everywhere and they cause this kind of thing.” And while we’re busy blaming we consume energy. We forget to let go.

Tune into Blaming on the All Avoidance Network!

So what do we do? If you’ve read anything else on this site you know what I do. I let go. Then I realize there really are no victims and there are no bullies. These are human constructions designed to hold us from our true Selves. Who and what we really are is love.

So, how will we ever get out from under this pandemic victimhood? I don’t have a scientific or a religious response. Those fields, for which I have a great deal of respect and gratitude, have not provided me with a peaceful understanding of this issue. It’s often in the spiritual solutions that I have uncovered profound answers.

Warning: the rest of this post will be Spiritual. If you must continue your life seeking explanations for everything through science or religion I completely accept your choice and wish you well. If, however, you want to take my hand, it’s always open.

I have an intuitive sense that we need to accept some people are going to kill themselves. Some people (including us) may have terrible things happen and there will be a great deal of suffering at times. How could there not be with all these victims running around? All we can do as individuals is accept and help others when we’re asked.

It’s who we choose to be that I’m most interested in exploring. Already I’ve suggested we could be accepting. When the alcoholic we love won’t stop drinking we accept this as his choice. He has the free will to drink and we have the free will to accept this. Painting him as a victim (or villain) and blaming the makers and sellers of alcohol is wasted energy. It’s also an escape from the inner work you’re avoiding. With the drinker, acceptance might choose to let go all expectations. You may even choose to love him from a distance. Let’s apply this spiritual stance to the girl on Facebook who killed herself.

She took her own life by choice. The victim brigade of the world will holler, “She had no choice but to kill herself!” “The bullies forced her.” Here’s the beauty of truth applied. Was it true that she really had no choice? Was it true that she was forced? Did someone hold a gun to her head and make her kill herself? No. What is true is that who she was at the time could see no other option than physical death as a way out of her inner pain. Yes, inner pain. As with all victims her pain came from inside herself. “Not true!” “She was bullied by dirtbags outside of her!” Really? Well I can imagine millions of other humans who’ve been bullied (including myself) and in the actual moment you do your best to survive it and then, when the dust settles, it’s 100% up to you. It’s like the woman who survived a rape 20 years ago along with her family of victims. 20 years later they’re still raping her with their thoughts, stories and negative feelings about what happened. Newsflash! You can’t be a victim if you choose to let go. We have choice and we have free will. That’s what makes this amazing “soup pot” we call Earth so deliciously educational. Victims pretend they have no choice. Victims are liars.

So the girl? Accept that she chose to kill herself. Have compassion for her not sympathy. Sympathy is for victims. Then, and here’s the best part, use what she did as an opportunity to let go your inner victim. Where do you blame others or the world for your sadness, disappointments and life traumas? Let this go. Underneath your victimhood is a more honest version of yourself.

So what did I tell my teenager when she came to me with the suicide story on Facebook? In the moments after letting go I smiled gently at her and said, “At the time, she was unwilling to let go and chose to take her own physical life.” “Let’s have compassion for her and for those they say are the bullies.” “Now, where do we blame others for our circumstances and choices?” “Can we let go of that?”

Thank you for the courage it takes to read a post like this and thank you for letting go.

If you’re new to this site Start Here to answer the question, “Why Let Go?”

Guilt is one of the most useless emotions. It’s not motivating like anger or releasing like grief. The term “wallowing in her guilt” says it all really. It’s easy to find yourself stuck in guilt as a lifestyle. Let’s have a look at guilt and create some awareness of this negative emotion in preparation for letting go.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” ~ Dr David R Hawkins

Guilt is connected to expectations of oneself or someone else. Expectations invite suffering. Spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson, speaks of the guilt-inducing trap found in what she calls “special love relationships”. We take a personal connection with another person and label it, to make it special. Labels such as mother, spouse, boss, daughter, best friend, and all the titles we place “my” in front of, as in, “my doctor”, “my lover” or “my sister”.

Once we take a relationship and turn it into one we view as special we automatically create expectations. These expectations are a powerful clue to how guilt operates. Here’s why. Consider each special relationship has it’s own list of expectations. For example, “My brother should be helpful, lend me money, protect me from our father, eat healthier, find a different girlfriend, not be so lazy, get a haircut.” We, of course, do this with ourselves using, “I should…”. Any thought connected to a person and including the word “should” contains the seed of guilt. It’s a tell-tale set-up. Beginning with the demand we “should” be a certain way and then, when expectations aren’t met, we feel guilt.

When we demand others “should” be a certain way and they don’t live up to our expectations we feel disappointment which leads to resentment, another form of guilt. Mind-body guru, Louise Hay, will tell you, resentment can lead to cancer manifesting in the body.

Dr Menis Yousry a psychotherapist describes how pent up guilt and resentment forces the “wallower” to find an enemy. It becomes so painful to carry guilt that we are forced to find someone to blame for all our pain. In psychoanalytical terms, this is called projection. Each time we blame someone outside of ourselves for our circumstances we avoid taking responsibility. This is one pathway to victimhood. Sadly, in our culture, it’s socially encouraged to blame others. So the world is full of victims and villains incapable of experiencing compassion.

Compassion is an antidote to victimhood because it asks us to deeply understand that everyone is doing the best he or she can. In other words, if they could do better they would.