If you’re new to this site Start Here to answer the question, “Why Let Go?”
Do you relate to this scenario. You’re in a relationship and it doesn’t matter what kind (marriage, friendship, employee/employer, parent/adult child, neighbours, sisters) and you want to let it go and move on. Perhaps it took you years to even admit this. So will you do it? Will you let go and move on? Easier said than done right?. Why?
I absolutely love the world I live in, warts and all. In fact, I’m not a fair-weather resident of my culture which I find fascinatingly crazy and adorable. But when it comes to ending relationships I have to say our cultural response is totally nasty. We hear things like, “You’ve made your bed…” or “A friend is a friend till the end” Never mind that after 25 years you have nothing left in common with your “friend till the end friend”. How about this one, “Don’t burn your bridge” as if our entire future relied on our past work performance. Then we have the biblical demand to “honour thy father and mother” despite the fact that for some people this puts them square in the cross hairs of family violence and abuse. Why is it so not acceptable to let go and move on from a relationship? For many of us years pass as we continue to put energy into relationships that are clearly over.
Why Can’t We Move On?
Here’s what I’ve intuited around this very draining human behaviour of clinging to a dead relationship. Deep inside of us is an unconscious but powerful fear of abandonment. And this fear is running the show! Until we let go, we will always choose to drag out inappropriate or abusive relationships. We will continue to place ourselves in horrendous conditions to avoid potential aloneness. We sheepishly say, “It’s better to hang with the devil you know than the devil you don’t”. Or something like that.
Our cultural response to the ending of a relationship is so abusive people will actually stay in an abusive relationship in order to avoid being further abused by their culture. By culture, I refer to friends, family, community members, social networking and of course the media.
According to Dr David R Hawkins, relationships work when there is “alignment”. I have a wonderful artist friend who loves to create Venn diagrams. Alignment can be shown with a Venn diagram. I don’t want this to become a math lesson but you have circle A intersecting with Circle B and the red in the middle is the alignment.
When I think of alignment in a relationship I remember what I’ve learned from Dr Mario Martinez (Mind Body Code). He teaches never to compromise in a relationship which was shocking to me at first and because compromise is so expected in our culture. He suggests we be who we are without compromise and in our relationships look for common ground. To me this means alignment! So if your boyfriend likes car racing (and you don’t) and you like mountain biking (and he doesn’t) you find something you both enjoy like dressing up and going out for dinner. Healthy relationships intersect in the alignment.
How Do We Know When it’s Time to Move On?
When a relationship falls out of alignment (imagine two circles floating apart) it will either re-align or it won’t. If it doesn’t then it’s time to let go and move on. We all know the agony created inside people who stay in a relationship that is clearly out of alignment. This is where the letting go technique can be of great service.
Imagine and hold in mind, a relationship that is out of alignment. If you are in one presently this is the best place to do some letting go. If you’re using your memory to recall a past relationship we can do some wonderful healing on pent up emotions around abandonment and humiliation. Hanging on to a disconnection can also generate a heap of guilt. We’ll release that too!
If you’ve not learned the letting go technique we’ll review it right now. Feel that negative emotion around the relationship you are holding in mind. Find the sensations in your body and quiet your mind. Thoughts are not helpful. Breathe into the sensations that come up in your body and allow them to live in your body. Give them breath. Pay no attention to anything other than the sensations in and around your body. You don’t need to think about anything because you have an intention to breathe into your emotional sensations. Do this until there’s a noticeable lightening in your body. Sometime you will take a big breath and feel lighter or tension will release from your face and jaw. You may even sense a tiny smile forming at the corners of your mouth.
Practice letting go on the sticky residue from a really old relationship, long ago ended. You will know you have successfully let go of the pent up negativity from this relationship when all the emotion you can find connected with it feels gentle and benign. If someone asked you about that relationship your response (which in the past may have been quite animated and charged) will be one of benign indifference. Well done!
In many letting go sessions I’ve minded for old cobweb covered relationships from my past. Until these are let go of, they consume a surprisingly large amount of energy.
Let’s be part of a newly evolving aspect of our culture. The part where we affirm alignment in relationships and when someone (including us) says it’s over we are generously accepting of this. When it’s over it’s over. No wallowing or fanfare. Maybe some gratitude and then move on.
Remember the most important relationship with which you need alignment is the one you have with yourself. This is a key benefit of letting go.
Let go and align more with your authentic self.
How is your Letting Go Practice?
Doree offers lifestyle coaching and spiritual direction.
To book a session, Visit EmpathFit.com
Spiritual Directors International